charcut

BEND OVER.. YOU'RE NEXT

BACKROUND: I wrote this right after a quiz I took a couple weeks ago. Basically these are the thoughts and feelings I had about it.




"You have thirty minutes." I look around. I look at the clock, the walls, the board. My legs start to shake. Songs go through my head. Pictures. Paintings. Words. I start to doodle. Thoughts race like lightning. If only I could just walk out and get a drink. I try to focus. I can't focus. Vodka. Wiskey. I bite my nails. At this point I do anything but focus. I twirl my hair. I look down at the test in front of me. Nothing. Nothing but doodles and words. I don't know. I'm thirsty. I take off my coat. The heat comes over me. My face, my hands, my legs- everything is red. My heart races. My hands shake. I can't do this. I'm sweating. Rum. Then the pain comes. It's like razors being pushed into the sides of my forehead. I breathe heavily. I look at the clock. "Only fifteen minutes left." I count to ten. I could do this. Don't give in. I turn the unanswered page. Heavy breaths. I tell my self to focus. Red wine. Focus, just focus. I can't focus. I see red. My eyes start to burn. I have a terrible fish taste in my mouth. "Ten minutes." My eyes water. The girl with yellow bows in her hair gets up. She's done. I put my head down. Pounds increase in my chest. It's like a garage band is playing inside of me. I can't breathe. I turn back to page one; it's multiple choice. I spell out three letter words on the answer sheet- cab, dad, add. Three boys (friends) leave together. "Two minutes, finish up." I choke up. I press my face onto the cold desk. Defeat. The hours of preparation; pointless. The note cards; worthless. A weekend spent alone; nothing. "I'm coming around, put your pens down." My pen was down. As was my head. As was my heart. I grab my bag. I walk out. I leave; I leave feeling robbed. I leave feeling like there was nothing I could do. There is never anything I could do.

Alright.

Lets cut the crap. I'm an eighteen year old student going to school in New York City. Yes, the school I'm attending is a little piece of shit and the location is the butt crack of talent.. but these are the last years I can make something of myself and finally be in the spotlight where I want to be. I might not be pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough- but honestly, what famous person is?
For years my brother and I have competed and sure he is quite the looker. Just check him out.

But honestly, we're practically twins. He called me the other day and was like "Yo I've had a revelation. I'm 20 now and you and I have to get shit together. It's the time to get founded and we have to embrace it. That said, the whole getting famous, among other things, is why I've decided to start this live journal. I hope the right people are looking at it and if they aren't- I hope they now the right people.



So hook it up.


Charlotte.